Bitter Sweet Good Bye’s
This Last month has been particularly horrendous again!!!, sometimes I wonder when the waves of pain will end, apparently, no time soon!!! Now please understand I am not crying my pity song, not in the least. The “fact” is, the last month was brutal and “I” am the one watching it be brutal. For those of you whom are new to Human Design, this is what is meant by “Passenger Consciousness”. The ability to separate yourself from the experience and become the observer, rather than the Victim. The one that looks upon the life with the same detached interest, as a scientist may watch a lab experiment. There becomes that much separation between you and your “ life situation.” You see the movie, you do not deny that it is happening, but you gain the ability not to take it personally. This is the development of the “witness” or the “watcher”, and it is the ultimate gift of Human Design.
If you really trace and watch how pain works, there are only two core things that really trigger most people, Love and Money. And I got smashed with both on multiple fronts this last month!!!! Among other particularly nasty events dealing with both past lover, and friend whom I discovered had really betrayed and lied to me. And money, or the ability to survive on the material plane. Having to deal with the theft of a large amount of money, or at least for me a large amount, and having same being perpetuated by someone I loved dearly. And stupidly still do!!! Because I taste how much pain she must be in to do something so mean spirited, especially after years of love and friendship. “She” stole the money and “I” feel bad for her!!!….that’s how F…ed up I am guys…really, I am more worried about her than me….I have myself, and there is no amount of material or love loss that can rock that sort of foundation. It is not like I don’t feel all the same BS, hurt, abandonment, betrayal etc….it’s just NOT ME….it is the movie that I am watching. The movie sucks!!! And I would change the channel if I could, but it is a “movie” none the less.
However by far the hardest loss, these last few weeks, was the loss of my bestest friend in the whole wide world, my little girl Chow “Bongo”. I adopted Bongo from the pound in Carlsbad California over 12 years ago. And although she had an incredible existence, it was still hard to say good bye. She was such a funny little animal, not very Dog like at all, much more like owning a big cat. Somewhere between a bear and an cat. She totally had her own trip, in public she would walk just far enough away to let everyone know she was NOT under my control. Like having a teenager that’s too cool to walk next to his or her parents. Yet she went everywhere with me. She would sit on the beach while I surfed, she would always be around, watching me, but not too close. I remember a few times in Encinitas, California, when she would come to the beach to find me, she would actually use the crosswalks!!!! And when she would get to the beach, she would sit there and wait for me to come in from surfing. Since dogs are not allowed on most beaches in California, the life guards would sometimes try and catch her. She would sit down and let them get just close enough, then run off again!!! Me and my friends would be sitting on our surfboards in the water watching this whole thing just laughing….she was so smart, and she was totally her own deal.
Bongo went from almost puppy like, even though she was quite old, to very feeble quickly. It was only really the last six months or so that you could really tell she was fading fast. In the end she could barely walk and we had many conversations about her letting go of me, and making the trip to the happy hunting grounds. “Putting her down” was a tough decision for me, but truly guys if any of you are still my friend and I can no longer take care of myself, please help me die with some dignity. When the day came, our local holistic vet and friend, Ihor Basko, “The Dog Shaman” http://www.drbasko.com/about.htm , came to my house as well as a few friends and we sat on the floor in a little circle and lit sage while she was getting the first in a series of pain killers. My friend Isa was chanting a song about the river of life, and I played my Native American flute, which was a bit hard while crying. Once she was completely knocked out, Ihor began administering the actual poison, then we waited, then she needed more, then waited… then she needed MORE!!! It turned from sadness to laughter, my friends laughing:
“She’s so your “Dog” John, she is “A WARRIOR” and she’s not going down without a fight!!!! In the end it took enough poison to kill approximately 7 large dogs, or 3.5 grown men, to take a down a 45 pound Little girl Chow…..her spirit was strong in life and so will it be in death.
Most of you are probably familiar with HD mythology, and have heard that it takes up to three days for a body to properly DE-incarnate. And although Ra does not believe that this is true for animals, that it happens much faster, a few hours even, being projector and not knowing when enough is enough, I honored the three day rule anyway. Actually 3.5 just to be sure, by keeping her on ice in a large “Fish Box” under a tree just outside my door. In the end, when I carried her across the yard over my shoulder, I had a very odd sensation of carrying a friend across the battlefield of life, something familiar about the experience. I had dug a large hole just up the hill from my porch, where I buried her and planted a new beautiful Mango tree on top of her. Now I go and water “Bongo” frequently, and look forward to the days when I will be able to taste the fruit from that tree. Such is the wheel of life which continues to turn, and all of us will be dust one day.
The funniest thing about all of this for me is although my personal life has been nothing short of total Freaking Chaos since I began this silly experiment, where you totally LET GO of the wheel, and I do mean LET GO!!!! My Human Design business continues to grow at a rate that at times is almost overwhelming, I am amazed how many people want to come this way while all they have to do is look at my life and see that everything is going to HELL!!! It is as though the stripping of one form gives way to the next, but there has been nothing gentle about it for me!!! My personal experience has been nothing short of mud and blood!!! A very odd thing to “witness” and “watch”, this whole destruction and re-birth process. So guys, as I shared with another friend recently “IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH HELL, DON’T SLOW DOWN!!!”
Blessings to you all, Aloha John
